5.07am 23/07/2006

well... all peace and quiet in the office. no calls and certainly no job abort incidents. took a nice quick nap earlier and now i feel kinda better... my team mates are nicely ZZZzzz beside me.. i got my headphones on and music playing nicely in my ears. sounds kinda nice right? wait till the stupid calls start coming in again, then i am going to have bloody loads of fun. I certainly wish i was at home sleeping and going to church later in the morning..... certainly want to go to church and see some love ones over there... chuckles... can't say who's the love ones. might lose my head if names are mentioned.. sometimes i ponder my decision to actually leave the old company and come to work for HP. Is it the right decision that i've made? I knew somehow i needed to leave the old company. I discovered i am running out of patience and the darn reports that i always have to bring back home to do. That is sure ain't life. If you have to bring your work back home and do it till the wee morning hours. Better throw the towel in and head to a new place i suppose. I am missing church 3 times this month..... i can't contemplate what this is going to do to my spiritual life. Not to mention my relationship with the rest of the fellas back at church. I am somehow beginning to sense that i am no longer there at church with them. strange as though it seems, it has been bugging me quite a number of times... It feels as though that i am a foreigner in church... odd and strange. i didin't wish for circumstances to appear as they were but i dunno... i took this job realising that i will definitely be working 2 weekends per month. questions i ask and more questions i get. Is this life? Is this what i call a journey to actually discover the inner self of who i really am and what i really am suppose to do??? i can't find the solution to these thoughts that constantly swivel in my head. i've prayed about it and i know somehow that i was here to do something for HIM,,,,, but what exactly is my purpose? My existance in this world? Am i meant for something beautifull or meant for something dark? By my old accounts i have done dark deeds.... so dark that if i have to write an account of it. i think it could make a very very nice bestseller in heaven. (heh) Sometimes i am filled with doubts, doubts that cannot be mentioned to brothers or sisters who know me for the fear of contaminating them. I cannot and will not lead anyone astray.. i cannot afford to make that mistake. No way! If this doubts are meant to be doubts i have to handle on my own so be it...... The presense of good and bad in oneself. How do we actually explain such mystery? Is it what we called the spiritual realm of warfare where we are at war with of our own demons? If it is then I have certainly experience battles of my own and i have lost some battles with dire consequences. Such are the consequences that it can't be comprehended by anyone else except god. God knows how I prayed for forgiveness.. God knows that but i don't know if i can forgive this soul of mine... oh well. i supposed i will know when my time is up in this blasted earth... back to work as they say. No rest for the weary. i supposed death is the final rest for the me..........