talk from the heart
I've had an interesting conversation with my mom the other day. She asked me why as a son and member of the family , i am not helping to smooth the relationship of the father and mother since i know it is not good. sincerely i didin't know what to answer her. i was actually caught speechless, why? i wonder that myself. why the fuck didin't i try to smooth the relationship of my mom and dad? instead i remembered very well that i've told them , if they can't take it, SIGN THE BLOODY PAPERS! sometimes i wondered what i have becomed, have i becomed a emotionless person that cares naught for nothing? or have i hardened myself to such a degree that i cannot feel or sense things anymore? It is not just about family i suppose, i found out that i no longer contain a lot of humanity left in me. Instead, i have become quite a cruel person that cares not. i've only concerned myself with what i can take and what i can gain for myself. Be it earthly treasures or pleasures, GOD"S will no longer applies to me no more. i do not hear his voice and somehow neither do i sometimes want to hear his voice.
Confession time:
I've done things this week that ought to put a hellish nightmare on me later. I've committed adultery not once but twice. First, i went clubbing with some friends, met a girl.... she was nice alright. So we had fun there dancing and drinking and what not. I've invited her back to my place. I still remember her asking me, what are we going to do back at my place. I've told her that we'll have some "fun". she asked will i be able to manage it and what not since i wasn't really that attractive. I've told her straight that i'll give her the best damn time of her life. after it was over, she said i was incredible, gave me her number. ask me to call her next time when i go clubbing. Second time is when i actually met an old girl friend. she invited me out to talk . she was going through some hard times i suppose and she wanted to talk to someone. i lend my ear of course. She came over to my place again as well and we continued to talk. eventually i was the one that seduced her and well.... in plain language i had sex with her. no doubt i took advantage of the situation. I made sure she was comfortable and i knew i was romantic with my methods. She also mentioned that she misses me. Do i miss her? Or do i miss screwing her???! how does one differentiate the actions or words i've said or done...?!
if i see what i have done on the past week, i know i definitely broke up with God.... in the deepest part of my heart, i ask myself sometimes, am i sorry?! do i regret the things i have done this period of time or am i just plain fucking blasphemy on God by showing myself at church and teaching Godly value's?! What the fuck am i doing?!
There is no justification neither there is a form of explanation of the things i've done this week or the past week. God will condemn me and his condemnation is justified. I can expect no more and no less than that. If i say that i knew and i am sorry and bla bla bla and what not. That just a whole shitload of bull... Somehow in my deepest and darkest black heart, i was enjoying myself. No doubt about it. I wonder what happens if my mom find out, i'm damn sure she'll be heartbroken but am i affected hearing it? Perhaps not! This is somehow my darkest and worst blog entry i write and i know it. Somehow sometimes i want to end it all, how easy it is just to take ones life, it is easy for me to just go a little overdose on certain things and be done with it. I am tired of doing things that i know hurt others and i don't want to do it anymore. but i am damn sure of one thing is, i'll do it again some time in the future! Ironic how life end up for me..... sometimes when i lay down i remember the vows and promises i've made to both ppl and God. And somehow i managed to break them all. I cannot make a promise. not with God or with another person for i do not think i am a trustworthy person. Things have changed me to such that i am deemed with these qualities of sins.
How long will i continue to torment myself ?! it is my own choice and i know it. You reap what you sow and i definitely will reap Lucifer once this is over. Will i endure? Choices known , Choices made. Evil have surrounded me and i've allowed it to surrond me. Forgiveness? I ask not! For forgiveness makes me repeats the bastardly behaviours. Time will tell and i no longer places hope in them. LEt it be done with. Let it end. No longer do i pray.
Confession time:
I've done things this week that ought to put a hellish nightmare on me later. I've committed adultery not once but twice. First, i went clubbing with some friends, met a girl.... she was nice alright. So we had fun there dancing and drinking and what not. I've invited her back to my place. I still remember her asking me, what are we going to do back at my place. I've told her that we'll have some "fun". she asked will i be able to manage it and what not since i wasn't really that attractive. I've told her straight that i'll give her the best damn time of her life. after it was over, she said i was incredible, gave me her number. ask me to call her next time when i go clubbing. Second time is when i actually met an old girl friend. she invited me out to talk . she was going through some hard times i suppose and she wanted to talk to someone. i lend my ear of course. She came over to my place again as well and we continued to talk. eventually i was the one that seduced her and well.... in plain language i had sex with her. no doubt i took advantage of the situation. I made sure she was comfortable and i knew i was romantic with my methods. She also mentioned that she misses me. Do i miss her? Or do i miss screwing her???! how does one differentiate the actions or words i've said or done...?!
if i see what i have done on the past week, i know i definitely broke up with God.... in the deepest part of my heart, i ask myself sometimes, am i sorry?! do i regret the things i have done this period of time or am i just plain fucking blasphemy on God by showing myself at church and teaching Godly value's?! What the fuck am i doing?!
There is no justification neither there is a form of explanation of the things i've done this week or the past week. God will condemn me and his condemnation is justified. I can expect no more and no less than that. If i say that i knew and i am sorry and bla bla bla and what not. That just a whole shitload of bull... Somehow in my deepest and darkest black heart, i was enjoying myself. No doubt about it. I wonder what happens if my mom find out, i'm damn sure she'll be heartbroken but am i affected hearing it? Perhaps not! This is somehow my darkest and worst blog entry i write and i know it. Somehow sometimes i want to end it all, how easy it is just to take ones life, it is easy for me to just go a little overdose on certain things and be done with it. I am tired of doing things that i know hurt others and i don't want to do it anymore. but i am damn sure of one thing is, i'll do it again some time in the future! Ironic how life end up for me..... sometimes when i lay down i remember the vows and promises i've made to both ppl and God. And somehow i managed to break them all. I cannot make a promise. not with God or with another person for i do not think i am a trustworthy person. Things have changed me to such that i am deemed with these qualities of sins.
How long will i continue to torment myself ?! it is my own choice and i know it. You reap what you sow and i definitely will reap Lucifer once this is over. Will i endure? Choices known , Choices made. Evil have surrounded me and i've allowed it to surrond me. Forgiveness? I ask not! For forgiveness makes me repeats the bastardly behaviours. Time will tell and i no longer places hope in them. LEt it be done with. Let it end. No longer do i pray.
posted by Kelvin Chong @ 7:54 PM
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